May 20:Nanning, Day 3

First, thank you all for your continued prayers and support! LilDude woke up
with a slight fever and a cough, but throughout the day he continued to
get better and better. I think his fever is gone at the moment. Anakin’s
cough is definitely better too.

We had another good night of sleep. GG sleeps spread-eagle, occasionally
sucking his thumb. So cute. He is sleeping through the night without any
issues. He awakens the saddest that we see him during the day. Although he
is definitely sad, it may also be partly because he’s sleepy and not
getting adequate rest. He isn’t napping although his paperwork says he
naps 3 hours a day. We always have to wake him up in the morning, so I
think he’s tired. At breakfast he again refused to eat. Also refused to
look at any of us. Then, suddenly, he reached for my fork and stabbed
himself a hunk of noodles off my plate. He fed himself several bites and
took a few gulps of hot milk. Then he was done. Back to looking away from
all of us as we ate. If you’d offer him something or try to look at him,
he’d turn his head away from you just like when you use the wrong side of
a magnet to push something away. If you’re anywhere close to him and try
to get eye contact, he avoids your eyes like they’re poisonous. We have a
little work to do.

As a side note, I cannot fathom how people do this kind of thing with a
first child. This is hard, hard work. We really struggled with LilDude’s
trauma, but he didn’t outright reject us from the first moment. We can
handle GG’s reaction because we understand it and have had enough
experience to know how to help him, but even so, this is painfully
hard—mostly for him, but also for us. I can’t imagine dreaming of a first
child only to have that child sob and scream that he wants his mom…and
that mom isn’t you. This is not what most people dream of when they
imagine becoming parents for the first time. I think of you, Kathie (our
SW), and try to imagine how you communicate to parents that this may be
their reality. Today Jane was telling me about one of the hardest
situations she’s ever dealt with—in a boy just slightly younger than GG
who was very spoiled and attached to his foster mom and was going home to
young, first time parents. The child refused to eat for about four or five
days, if I recall. She talked about how terribly hard the week was on the
parents, particularly the mom. I just can’t imagine.

But back to the day…
We met Jane at 9:30 for a trip to Green Mountain Park. On the way to the
park I was able to ask her a few more questions. One that some of you have
asked me is whether his foster family could have adopted him if they’d
wanted to. The answer was emphatically no. And she said they never asked.
The foster mom, who has fostered 3 other kids prior to GG, is now about
50, her husband about 60. When I asked if they would foster more kids,
Jane said that the foster mom was getting too old to foster. Yikes. I
asked if perhaps the son/daughter-in-law wanted to adopt him. They have a
daughter only a year or so older than GG and the two are playmates. She
again said no, that they wouldn’t be allowed to do a domestic adoption of
any kind even if they wanted to. Why? Because they don’t have enough
money, resources, education, etc, so they would not be considered for any
kind of adoption. Only families with more resources would be considered.
Sad.

Jane said the fmom is very caring and patient, but she is uneducated and
“not very imaginative” which, as I understood it, meant that she didn’t do
things like singing or reading with him. She mostly went about her daily
work and cared for him in a loving way but didn’t know to do more with
him. Jane did say, however, that the fmom took GG outside to play EVERYDAY
because he loved being outside so much. It seems that he is used to eating
a lot of sweet goodies, which I guess children, especially boys, are often
spoiled with. We were given special drinks and crackers for him. One of
the drinks even came with explicit instructions about how much he was to
get, when. I talked to Doris (thanks!), my friend who lived in China. She
said that the drink is sugar. And we were told that he must have one
bottle of this a day, drinking three times spread out across the day.
After talking to Doris, I took that off my list of “mandatory food items.”
At the park we walked around, viewing “green”—trees, bushes, flowers,
etc.—all things that have been fairly absent on our trip. Last night it
dumped rain, bringing to the surface the most humongous worms we’ve ever
seen. We also observed a few teeny tiny frogs. When we tell Jane that we
have frogs at home, she is fascinated, not fully understanding how we
could have things like frogs, possums, skunks, and other wild things
around our property. We photographed the kids with statues of the animals
that represented the year they were born. GG abandoned his dog in
favor of riding with LilDude on his horse statute.

After we got back to the hotel we attempted to eat at the restaurant next
door. They were closed. So we hopped into a cab (7 yuan = $1) and got a
ride to the mall/Wal-Mart. We found a Japanese restaurant and had a
delicious lunch. We each got our own small bowl to eat from; GG ate the
best he’s eaten all week. He made an attempt to use chopsticks (not bad!),
but settled on an Asian spoon. He shoveled in quite a bit of rice. I was
told that he must not have anything spicy, but I’m convinced that he’s had
a lot of it at home as I offered him a chunk of spicy cucumber and he
wanted more and more and more. He loved it. He was pretty happy for a
while after that.

We looked around the mall. Lizzi and I were surprised when clerks kept
assuming we spoke Chinese. When we’d tell them we only spoke English,
they’d get embarrassed and talk to one another about it. We got lots of
smiles from clerks. But continued sour stares from the majority of people
on the street. Very different from Beijing.

We went to Wal-mart (hate that, but what’s a person to do? “When in China
do as the Chinese” and when at home go back to boycotting?? At least I’m
buying local as everything is made in China!), and bought him and LilDude
matching Spiderman sandals that light up when they walk. GG in particular
was thrilled with that idea. We also bought him tennis shoes as he has
none. And new shorts outfits for both little boys. We choose several
Chinese children’s Cds for just over $1 each and a couple little picture
books with Chinese and English words. The boys enjoyed riding together in
the shopping cart although poor LilDude was fairly squished as the shopping
carts are little.

We all did great until GG’s lack of sleep/naps suddenly caught up with
him. He was suddenly a crying, screaming, writhing mass of boy. As quickly
as we could, we headed to the check-out and caught a cab home.
It seemed like he was in very big need of a good cry. He’s been holding
things in ever since the first night. And he’s been avoiding Mommy and
Daddy as much as possible, focusing on playing with LilDude. The play is
good, but it also means that he hasn’t spent any time letting himself
relax and grieve in the safe arms of an adult. So when we got home I made
him a bottle and sat down for some quiet time. I held him in my arms and
turned the bottle so he was facing me. Man-o-man, did that ever set him
off. He DID NOT want to look at me. I held him as he screamed in Chinese.
I think he was screaming that he wanted his foster mom. He had a good long
cry/scream session. By the end he was relaxed and would look into my eyes
and “talk” to me about his sads. He talked and talked and wept huge tears.
Lots and lots of tears. I just held him and whispered in his ear and
stroked his face. After he relaxed, he finished most of the bottle, had a
bath and got a massage with lotion, and went to bed. Hopefully he can get
a little more sleep tonight. I’ve been grateful for the two rooms so one
can be a sleeping place while the other is an awake room.
I’ve been typing this in the dark in his room. He did just wake up quietly
crying, which is new. He allowed me to hold him and pat his back and put
him in bed.

Tomorrow we visit a village outside Nanning, including one family’s home.
Jane is also trying to arrange for us to see a school but she said since
this is “special time” (her phrase for the Swine flu issue) that we may or
may not be able to. On the way to the countryside we’re also supposed to
stop to see GG’s “finding place,” the spot where he was left as an infant.
Continued prayers for good health and GG’s adjustment are appreciated!
Love you all!