May 22: Meeting the Foster Family

It’s actually now May 23 and I’m writing this from Guangzhou. Yesterday
was a very emotional day.

We ate the usual breakfast buffet--which we’re giving about a 2 on a scale
of 1-10. When the other adoptive families in our hotel heard that we got
to leave last night instead of this morning, they were quite jealous. The
Majestic Hotel, at least in our experience, was a 4 star lobby with 2 star
rooms and a 1-2 star breakfast. We weren’t terribly impressed. But it did
the job.

After breakfast we hopped into two taxis and headed for the foster
family’s home. To enter their apartment complex, you stop in the middle of
a block on a normal, busy Nanning street and enter a small side alley.
This alley takes you past rows and rows of apartment buildings—concrete,
with bars on the outside of windows, with one set of apartments facing
another set of apartments for several rows. In between the apartment rows
are small strips of land with concrete pedestrian areas, sorta like a long
courtyard. Some trees and greenery are also in this area, but not a lot.

As we entered this area, I was walking with Jane, carrying GG, when I
suddenly heard Dh say, “Just a minute!” behind us.
I turn around to see Anakin heaving into an area under a tree. That was
the first we knew that he didn’t feel well. He said his stomach had only
felt slightly queasy and that he was fine now. He and Dh confessed that
they’d consumed water the night before at a pizza restaurant. Apparently,
they thought it was safe because Happy (in Beijing!) told us that water in
regular restaurants was okay. They thought it applied here. Lizzi didn’t
agree and had refused to drink the water. I hadn’t gone along with the two
younger boys. So after insisting he was fine, we headed toward the foster
family’s apartment. We hadn’t gone more than a few steps when a young
woman ran up to GG (whom I was holding in the Ergo) and started talking to
him and to Jane. GG started crying and reaching for her. She started
crying. They put their heads together and cried, all while I was holding
him. She was obviously very, very smitten by him. In talking with her,
Jane figured out that she was the girlfriend of the 3rd boy in the foster
family.

We learned that the foster family has four adult children, one girl and
three boys. They were born before the one child policy. It was a little
unclear to me exactly who lived in the apartment, but I think the foster
parents (ages 66 & 63), a daughter-in-law and granddaughter (this son
works in Guangdong and only comes home 2x/year), and perhaps another
unmarried son and daughter?

We climbed a LOT of stairs to reach their home on the sixth floor. We
were greeted by the foster father, 66, who seemed like a really nice,
easy-going fellow. The girlfriend of the son came along and we also met
the daughter-in-law and the granddaughter. At first I couldn’t figure out
where the foster mom was, but we soon learned that she was in the bedroom,
feeding a new foster baby.

As soon as we entered the small, central living area, we were offered a
chair and snacks. (Lychee, soft drinks, candy, crackers.) GG immediately
started bawling, hard. Someone told me to let him out of the Ergo (can’t
even recall at this point who it was, maybe Jane?) and he started running
around from person to person, crying. He was obviously VERY attached to
this entire, loving family. They took turns holding him, wiping his tears,
pacifying him with treat after treat after treat. (At some point Jane said that he was going to get sick from so much sugar.) He ran into the bedroom
in search of “granny.” I finally followed, to find Granny (fmom) sitting
on the edge of the bed, holding him, tears streaming down both their
faces. I put my arm around her and gave her a little hug, but it was all
she could do to even notice my presence as she was so focused on GG’s
pain. She held him and stroked him. And then she told him—several
times—that I am his momma (she actually said “biological mom” which made
Jane laugh), and that Dh is his “biological” dad and that we are his
family now. Oooooohhhhh, did that ever set him off. He’d scream an
ear-piercing scream, kick, and protest with everything he was worth. He’d
scream, “I want sleep with Granny!!!!”

This routine went on for quite some time. He was quite upset. They’d
console him with treats or take turns having him sit on their laps and
then they’d tell him that we are his family and he’d freak out again.

As if we didn’t have enough action, our attention suddenly turns to
Anakin who is heaving all over the foster family’s floor and his own
clothes. GG’s pain is temporarily put on hold as they try to get Anakin
and their small home cleaned up. Out with the mop, Anakin to the kitchen
to wipe down his shirt… They suggest he take a shower and put on their
clothes, but he is white and pale and in bad shape. I propose that Dh
take Anakin and LilDude back to the hotel in a taxi while Jane stays with
Lizzi and I and GG to finish the visit. They head to the door, get as
far as the outside doorstep, and Anakin loses it again. There is much
discussion, concern about how he is going to make it back to the hotel.
At last they are on their way and Jane returns so I can ask the foster mom
some more questions about GG’s life.

I interviewed her for quite awhile and although I didn’t feel like I
learned a lot I didn’t know, it was VERY helpful to watch them interact
with him. They are obviously a very, very loving family and he was very
well cared for. It breaks their hearts to lose him. I did learn one thing
that breaks my heart (as if all the other stuff didn’t already!)
Apparently, GG received our family photo album last October. After getting
the album, he would ask to call me on the phone. He understood that he was
going to our family in the U.S. and was waiting for us to come get him.
When we didn’t come, he told the foster mom, “Maybe they don’t want me.”
Someone needs to do something to make sure this doesn’t happen to other
kids. The foster family, like Jane and the orphanage, thought that we
weren’t coming because we didn’t want to. They thought we were in control.
So, for obviously reasons, I don’t think their opinion of us is terribly
high. Jane tried to explain, but it was apparent that the foster mom
didn’t understand what she was saying. And certainly GG wouldn’t. Breaks
my heart to know he thought we didn’t want him.

Another thing that was good for us was to see how he behaved in his
natural environment. He had several mini-tantrums when we were there
(understandable, of course!), screaming ear-piercing screams and very
unset. But they seemed to think that this is normal. That he is usually a
happy, easy-going guy (as we’ve noticed) but that he also has very SHORT
periods of stubbornness/tantrums. But they all said he gets over this
very quickly which is what I saw there and what I’ve observed.

A couple times when the fmom told him that we were his parents now, I was
close enough that I got half-kicked by him or had something sorta thrown
in my direction. They chastised him (I thought in a very appropriate
way—not mean, but telling him that this wasn’t okay.) To me, it all looked
like a very good environment.

I saw no toys in the home. It was quite simple with a couple of bedrooms
containing a large bed with just a mat (bamboo slats?) on the bed—no
mattresses. The bathroom had one tiny area with a squatty potty and one
tiny area with a shower head—all concrete for easy cleaning. The kitchen
was a small galley with a sink, rice cooker, and a couple burners. I
didn’t notice a kitchen table, but it may have been put away for our
visit. They had a tiny, barred in balcony, which held a shelf of clothes
and was edged by a clothesline where clothes hung to dry. They had a
good-sized t.v. and said that he loved to change channels. We are thankful
that the girlfriend has a computer with an email address and we were able
to send her photos and begin communication already. That’s quite
thrilling.

After a couple of hours, GG had settled down, although both he and the
foster mom had occasional teary eyes. The foster dad left to go somewhere.
I was exhausted, mentally and emotionally, and I was concerned about
Anakin. Knowing we had to board an airplane later in the day didn’t help.
So I made moves to go. They would have liked to do lunch with us, but I
was spent. I think we all were. When Jane reminded them about Anakin,
they understood. When it looked like we were leaving GG started to cry,
but then we all headed out to the street, the foster mom and GG leading
the way. She held his hand until the cab came. Then Lizzi and I got in
and Jane put him in my lap. The foster mom, daughter-in-law, and
granddaughter, all gathered at the window to say goodbye. The fmom had
tears in her eyes. So did I. GG didn’t. He was okay. He was quiet,
contemplative, looking out the window all the way back to the hotel.

For the remainder of the day, we saw a happy, relaxed, joyful boy. More
than we have at any other time this week. And, for the first time, he
allowed Dh to actively play with him without me and feed him a couple
of bite of apple. This was major progress.

Other adoptive families have told me that if/when they were able to visit
the foster home, this was when they had their first major steps forward.
That, although it’s painful, it’s healthy for the child to see the foster
parents interact with the adoptive parents and hear the fparents say,
“This is your family.”

Yesterday was extremely difficult, but it feels like we’ve reached a
better place with GG.

Late in the afternoon, our family went to a restaurant for lunch. When I
stepped out to take LilDude to the bathroom, Lizzi and Dh said GG
became quite worried, looking for me and calling for me. I don’t begin to
mistake this for attachment. But it’s a step.

Anakin took a long nap in the hotel room. We were also able to give him
one dose of a prescription anti-nausea medication. This isn’t something we
would have done at home, but considering the flight later in the day, we
felt it necessary. He woke up feeling fine and was very bummed that we’d
only allow him to eat white rice at dinner.

We had a good flight to Guangzhou, save for LilDude throwing up on his
shorts. Luckily, I had extras for GG that still managed to fit LilDude. This
trip has taught us that LilDude gets motion sick in planes. Oh, and speaking
of being sick…

On the way to the airport, Jane said how good it was that none of us had
gotten fevers during the past week and how, if we had, it would have
delayed our travel on to Guangzhou. This week we have heard a lot about
how things work during this “special time.” So thank the dear Lord that
she never asked us, we never had to tell, and everyone got over it fairly
quickly. Your prayers are working. She also went on to say that we are her
LAST family for a while. No more families are coming because of the
“special time” for at least a month. So we barely made it through.

L (my friend who is traveling soon), the one thing I have not
regretted taking is medicine. We will likely come close to finishing both
a bottle of children’s Tylenol and motrin. You might consider taking
extra. : ) And we’ve taken tons of vitamins and cold meds. Good luck and
safe travels!